on fire..

i met TJ after two years yesterday. to me, she had epitomised the word 'firebrand'. so naturally, i had expected to see the obvious sparks flying all about her. throughout our conversation, I kept looking for familiar signs and found them missing-the sharpness of her brow, the direct gaze, her magnetic idealism, the prickly attitude.
she had changed (" sobered down, matured" as they put it, smiling that patronising smile). but i was disappointed. and hugely unsettled. i have never understood this burning need to control fire..why not just let the fire be? and let it burn itself to ashes? why press for everything to mellow down? just because you cant stand the scorching light..just because you cant bear to see the gaping holes it exposes all around..so that you can safely ensconce yourself around its last embers and wallow in the thin warmth of security. with every extinguished flame of individuality, you have feeded your envy.. by putting an end to something you could never have, and so never could understand.